Thirty-Eight days later and plopped right back into the real world, like nothing changed. It's a very precarious situation leaving a mental health facility. You really have no idea what to expect, you've been removed from society, and people tend to treat you like you are some shiny new doll that got all fixed up in a Barbie factory. Nothing could be further from the truth. An entire new layer and level of healing has to begin.
While you're in a treatment facility it's meant to be a safe space for feeling and healing. The entire staff is trained for it, from your 'brain squad' and group therapists to the nurses and night staff. You have a 24/7 support group who understands what boundaries are, what triggers are, coping mechanisms to help you move through pain that inevitably comes busting to the surface, and the best part, the other patients you are living with. Being able to share your story, be frustrated, angry, or cry and having a group of peers not judge you is such a highkey human experience that I feel incredibly blessed I got to have.
Plus having Klonopin on demand isn't the worst thing in the world. It is the first anti-anxiety medication I have been prescribed. I do want to note; Klonopin can be highly addictive as it is a Benzo, so I do not want to throw it around like it's super commonplace. However, as my Dartmouth educated Psychiatrist said "it's there for a reason, use it if you need it". She suggested I take one prior to getting picked up by my parents the day I was released, because entering back into the real world is an incredibly overwhelming moment. Especially a world that still views mental illness through a lens of people running around in straight-jackets in a psych ward.
Prior to leaving Lindner, you are required to have appointments for Therapy and Psychiatry set up. I had my first Psychiatrist appointment two days after discharge. The individual I met with is actually not a Psychiatrist he is a Physicians Assistant at the University of Cincinnati. Within 30 minutes he was upping my dosage of Seroquel (the mood stabilizer) by 200mg. I was in such a daze during the appointment, like my mom had to drive me to the office kind of daze, I didn't push back. I wasn't really sure how to (sup, my people-pleasers).
His main concern was removing the Klonopin all together. Which seemed a bit premature since I had only been outside of Lindner for two days and was not even taking it 2X/day like I had been prescribed. However, I took his advice and the new Rx, and within a week I knew there was something really wrong. I had dipped into a really bad depressive state. I couldn't stay awake. When I was awake all I was doing was crying and feeling like a complete failure.
I ended up requesting to be dropped back down to my original dosage I left Lindner with. I think I'll take my Lindner Psychiatrist who actually spent time getting to know me and my story, over some random PA who just so happens to be able to prescribe meds. I think that is pretty fucked up, but I am still new to all of this and I am learning.
So began the hunt for an actual Psychiatrist. I wanted someone with an MD behind their name, and a lady. Sorry my dudes - no hate, but y'all ain't got these female emotions nor do you have uteruses. Many many unreturned phone calls later, and I finally got hooked up with a doctor who spent an hour and a half with me on the phone after hours. Of course everything as of late is out of network, but to me, having the proper education, sensitivity and awareness trumped everything else.
My medication may need to be upped, I may need the meds to ultimately change overall, but my biggest advice is to be your own advocate even when it feels really uncomfy. You know your body better than anyone else. So I encourage anyone struggling with this, to seek out someone who you feel will help you take care of your brain for the long haul. It is the most important organ in our bodies, after all.
Go lightly with love,
Holly
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